Bamboozled

 

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Extreme Breathability @ The Helm

My husband retired three weeks, two days, and one hour ago. He prides himself on keeping a busy schedule, like walking a couple of miles on the Katy Trail along the Missouri River before his wife wakes up in the morning. He claims to be a “simple man” who keeps a daily “Do List” and maintains a sense of order. He is also a voracious reader and picks up on tiny nuances of change. Yet, I was still surprised when he actually went clothes shopping in preparation for our upcoming trip to Florida and bought one item.

A Bamboo Boxer Brief… Bamboo F

 

… as in Waltzing Matilda underwear.

He’d found a small advertisement in today’s paper hailing a new product for manly men that promises, “Performance is Natural”. The underwear’s MOSO features include moisture wicking and extreme reliability. George’s fresh passion for Organic Performance Wear is puzzling. Noting the slogan, “It’s a Pleasure for Your Business” I wondered, what sort of business opportunities does this bundle of soft bamboo promise consumers?

 

Is George’s attention to fine undergarments a natural part of the early days of retirement? Is this an organic phase of leaving the business world to focus one’s time on personal business? Do men really seek personal clothing that “feels better than silk and performs better than (wait for it) petroleum-based polyester synthetics”? This is all new to me. The fine print on the package also promises “your man parts will stay cool, dry, and stink- free, even during peak intensity!”

Bamboo 1 

I guess Victoria’s Secret is out. Good-bye silk worms. Hello bamboo stalks. I must admit saying bamboo aloud has a subtle, sultry, sound (bam b-oooohhhh). All that I picked up in today’s news is that Tide Podding is out and the condom-snorting challenge is in. I suppose my Helly Hansen performance sailing gear is on it’s way out too – though it is a product of Norway and we know how everyone there wants to get in here.

I want to issue a warning to our boating friends. Should you see Big George hoisting the main sail chanting, “Weigh hey, and up she rises!” Turn away. It’s just the koala beneath his belt nibbling on the bamboo.

Meanwhile, I’m going to stock up on organic bamboo toilet paper for the head. If you come aboard to sail on Ex Libris, feel free to use the head to do your business. But for Pete’s sake, please don’t start singing, “Tie me kangaroo down sport!” (clean living is all about punctuation).

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Lordy, thankfully only boaters know where he is standing. The sailor’s version of the VS Catwalk.

 

10 thoughts on “Bamboozled

  1. You never cease to amaze me with your wit and humor! Your parents are looking down on you and are surely laughing with gusto😊 Much luv – Aunt Joy 🙋❤️

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    • The very next day he shopped for Fruit if the Loom’s version of Hi Tec boxer briefs. To his horror he wore them to a meeting, but dashed into the public restroom first, only to discover, the new Fruit of the Loom’s have no flap to spring the banana to do its business. Dropping his drawers apparently, was a low life moment. Too many pandas. Too few bamboo.

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  2. WoW Jeri ! You knocked it out of the park here !!! I laughed so hard and cried a little and really wished that both Peter and Stephen were here to share in your tribute to George and his Bamboo under garments. They would have LOVED it. Hoping to see you and George soon Big Hugs, Linda

    >

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    • Yes. Thank you. Peter would have advised George on padded underwear that’s just right for tender tushes when bike riding 80 miles and Stephen would’ve captured the perfect photo moment of the two of them comparing “notes” and won a photo prize at the San Diego Fair!

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  3. I suppose that one must discard them once they’ve reached your knees and boob. Remember, it grows really really fast….

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  4. That’s good. So you’ve probably discovered where bamboo’s from and know that pandas chowing down bamboo are way too much to handle — so the koala that’s not hooked on eucalyptus is a good thing. I love the freedom of fiction.

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